Monday, September 2, 2013

10 things I hate about living in Germany

For those with whom I haven't been in close contact over the past two years, let me tell you what happened: I went to Germany for a 10-month period, which now that I think about it, I'm not really sure what I was thinking with that one, but anyway, that's what I did. Soon after arriving, I met my husband-to-be, and now it appears that I'm still here. While I do like him, living in Germany has had its, er, challenges.

So in light of that, here is a list of 10 things I hate about living in Germany:

1) Everyone I meet seems like a weirdo. Like they go on and on about how hilarious Scary Move 3 is, and how delicious these seriously nasty looking greasy sausages are, and how cool it would be if they could figure out how to make a car that was even harder to drive than a manual, or spaces to parallel park in that are for sure smaller than your car. OK, they might not being going on about any of these things. But I can tell they're thinking them.

2) Everyone speaks German. This means that my tolerance for talking to anyone is approximately five minutes long, at which point I tune out and start fantasizing about decent Pad Thai. Just when the fantasy is getting really good someone tries to be polite and ask for my opinion, which of course I don't have because I wasn't listening, and even if I was listening, I probably don't have because they were talking about like robocopters or something.

3) No one I ever actually see is particularly likely to read my blog or even knows what a blog is. Thus, I feel far less motivated to write it.

4) You know how in New York there are all these people who are apparently really successful at like making YouTube vids about animated pairs of shoes or something, and they live in nice apartments without roommates and have really nice designer clothes, and you're like - are you effing serious? And I went and became a lawyer? The hell was I thinking? Well, Germany is the opposite of that. In Germany, I think it's like illegal to make YouTube vids about animated pairs of shoes if you don't have a degree from the Bundesschule for YouTube vids. As a result, literally everyone in the entire country is either a housewife or an engineer.

5) They think their food is good. This pisses me off sort of on principle.

6) Everyone has all these skills. Like bike riding skills. And skiing skills. And parallel parking skills.

7) Imagine the following scene: you go to one of those parties for your office where there are all sorts of really boring and stupid games, like climbing up a wall without using your hands or seeing how long you can balance a glass of water on your head. You might think that this was a family party where people were supposed to bring their kids. You might think that. Unless you lived in Germany.

8) Nobody has ever heard of screens. You know those things you have in your window so that bugs don't come in? Oh really, you thought there was literally nothing you could do to stop bugs from coming into your house? That's so weird, because I thought you were an engineer.

9) Nobody has ever heard of either air conditioning or fans. Like they think suffering builds character or something.

10) I'm going to come right out and say it: despite what every German will tell you, there is NOTHING SPECIAL about a beer garden. If you really, really wanted to drink beer outside, you could just open your screenless window.

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