Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Tofu Dilemma

Along with true love, the perfect bikini bod, and a one-size-fits-all cure for boredom, I feel like I have spent my entire life looking for an answer to the tofu dilemma - i.e., what can one do to make tofu taste, well, less like absolute shit? And my friends, I believe I have found the answer, and fortunately it does not involve a long list of other ingredients that you will all never be able to find. It does, however, involve an encyclopedia.

So here is a complete list of what you will need:

an encyclopedia
soy sauce
really hot sauce
a zucchini
instant noodles
cashews (if you want)

Now I know this is silly and a little annoying but it's how it's done, okay? Like two days or something before you want to eat the damn tofu, put an encyclopedia on top of it. No, it does not have to be an encyclopedia, but that is the size and weight we're going for. If you have two encyclopedias, so much the better. Then two days later, take the encyclopedia off the tofu, cut up the tofu and the zucchini, stir-fry them in a bit of oil with soy sauce, hot sauce, and the garlic (which you'll have pressed or chopped up), and the instant noodles, which you will have first prepared. If you want to add cashews, throw them in right at the end, once everything else has been cooked, or they'll get mushy.

As between pressing down the otherwise totally unpalatable texture of the tofu and disguising the taste with hot sauce, man, I hardly even knew what in the hell I was eating. But it totally set my balls on fire if you know what I mean! In a good way.



  1. What exactly does the heavy book do to the tofu?
    Tofu is terrible tasting, I'm skeptical of this cure-all book crushing solution.

  2. Well, what it does is make the tofu denser, so that it doesn't have that really nasty, loose kind of texture which is one of the grossest things about tofu.