Monday, July 11, 2011

Riding a Bike

Riding a bike is one of those things that makes me feel like a complete effing moron because pretty much everyone can do it easily except for me. I mean, I can do it but the bike has to be too small because I get all like freaked out if my feet can't full-out touch the ground when I stop. And I mean not just my tippy toes. If at least something close to my whole foot can't touch the ground, I'm too scared to start. The obvious result of this is that I can only ride a bike if I am willing to get knee cramps, which I am, because I have this fantasy of how cool I would obviously be if I knew how to do loads of things I don't really know how to do. Besides riding a bike, some of the other things are playing the piano, not overspilling my bikini, having a good sense of direction, dancing with a hot booty shake, and speaking German.

So the other day I was in the bike store attempting to fulfill two of these fantasies by buying a too-small bike while speaking German, and the guy in the store wouldn't let me buy a children's bike, which is the only kind of bike that is too small for me because I am five feet tall, because he was very kindly concerned about the knee cramps. I tried to explain that I needed to get the kinderbike or else I can't ride any kind of bike, and he was like "Kneeschmerz kneeschmerz" or something and I was like "Kinderbike kinderbike," and it was all a little sad. Anyway, I didn't buy the bike, leaving one of my fantasies unfulfilled. But the guy definitely couldn't speak English, so I'm going to go ahead and tell you that this non-transaction took place in German.

So what are some of the things you all think everyone else can do besides you? Just, you know, so I don't feel bad about myself.


  1. I can't ride a bike. I can't swim either. I'm considered a danger to myself.

  2. I can't snap my fingers!!!

  3. I can't wink, whistle or raise one of my eyebrows.

  4. I love your blog! Just found you through 20sb. I also cannot ride a bike...I am deathly afraid if my feet don't touch the ground also. I can't figure out the hand brakes and they don't make the bike stop fast enough!!