Sunday, May 1, 2011


Remember how I had that thing going for a while where I told you about things you thought you liked but you actually don't? Well just to remind you, I had lettuce, clubbing, and mingling to start with, and now I'm going to give you another one: children.

You may be one of the comparatively few people who actually admits they don't like children, in which case, I say good for you. Otherwise, you probably go 'round saying you think children are super cute, and you might even fool a few people if you're ever around a child because you're only going to be around it for two minutes. But you can't fool me. Try spending a whole day with one of these little spaz attacks and you will see how many utterly stupid questions you can tolerate before you just throw your hands up and say "You know what? I don't know why he doesn't like green eggs and ham, for chrissakes! And I know I have eaten two bags of chips today and your mom says that anyone who does that has bad eating habits but your mom can jolly well screw off. And no, I do not want to pretend to be the bad guy in some stupid game with your toys because that would only be fun for you."

But the kind of kid that makes you say those things isn't as bad as the kind of kid who obviously gets way too much positive feedback and who everyone calls "precocious." This is the kid who when the teacher in school says "how do you spell neighbour?" says "in England or America?" If you are more closely associated with a child like this than some other grownup who is also present, you will feel embarrassed every time the kid opens his mouth because he is a total pain in the ass to be around.

I think that even moms who swear up and down that they adore their kids may not really. Otherwise when you say you went to the movies last night why would they burst out with "Oh my God, I haven't been to the movies in 400 years because I have a kid."

But I'll admit that I still want kids myself because frankly, I'm a little concerned that nobody will give a shit about me when I'm old. I hope that's a good enough reason.


  1. "I'm a little concerned that nobody will give a shit about me when I'm old"

    I am not convinced that having children is a very reliable solution to this potential hazard. Not meant as a knock on you, just a general observation.

  2. bwahaha... Jennie, this ranks as a contender for your funniest post yet. "Spaz attacks" - classic.

  3. "little spaz attacks" hahaha

    Oh, and the bit about "In England or America?" definitely made me laugh at my desk. And it's been a shitty morning, so I appreciate it. :)