Saturday, March 5, 2011

More on He's Just Not That Into You

I received a couple of comments on yesterday's post requesting more on what I actually like about He's Just Not That Into You, since what I mostly gave you was a list of what I don't like about it. What I've already said is that I like how the authors advise readers to stop seeing someone who is not meeting their needs. More than that, however, I was pleased to see that, unlike most dating advice guides, this book does not tell you to change anything about yourself because you are having relationship struggles. Although I take issue with its inaccurate language as well as with some of the points it makes, it essentially tells you to get rid of the unworthy person you are dating, which is good advice.

One comment I got yesterday said the advice contained in He's Just Not That Into You seems obvious, because it pretty much just says that your relationship with this person is not going anywhere if he behaves as though you and he are not in a relationship. The truth is that we lie to ourselves when this is happening to us, so while it may seem obvious on paper, it is not that obvious in real life. What I would have thought was far more obvious is that you cannot adopt unnatural behaviours or change yourself in a way that will make a greater number of people want to be with you, but books and articles that suggest this is possible are popular, so I have to assume people believe it can be done.

That is why I was pleased to see that at least one book that has topped the bestseller list takes as its starting point that it cannot be done. In dating, as in everything else in life, you cannot be anyone besides yourself. If you despise your job, what will have to change is your job, not you. If you despise your roommate, what will have to change is your apartment, not you. If your significant other is a jerk and you do not have a lineup of suitors at the ready, what will have to change is your relationship status, not you.

I know it's a lonely world out there. But the fact of the matter is that if you are unique, you will never have a lineup of suitors. A lineup of suitors will not be able to appreciate a person who is unique.


  1. Love the post! Do you feel people should work on areas that are in need of some work? Is there room for change? If so, how do you understand that difficult dance?

  2. Well I’m totally agree abut the part of THE PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE but the fact is people change or modulate them behaviour just if they are intelligent enough to understand the splash of the life otherwise you can past and never see. and in that moment is when i says "life can hit you many times and if you don't pay attention it will hit you again and again till you change or modulate your behaviour.

  3. I'm in love with this book and it's "sequel" It's Called a Break-up Cause It's Broken. They are my personal bibles as I struggle with staying away from guys who only pretend to like me when it's convenient AND I take break-ups so hard (doing it currently and hating every minute).
    I agree that there are some annoying bits in the writing but overall way better advice than "be a better person and he'll want you back!!!" Plus Greg Behrendt, who is actually a comedian first, writer second, is awesome.