Wednesday, January 19, 2011


As I said here, something I know about you that you may not even know about yourself is that you don't like lettuce that much. You know what else that's true about besides lettuce? Clubbing.

This may not be the case if you are in your 30s or older, because then you have hopefully reached a stage in life when you and all your friends can finally admit to each other that you don't like clubbing and never did. But if you are a twentysomething such as myself, everyone you know probably wants to go clubbing all the time, even though nobody actually likes it.

I have preemptively compiled a list of factors that some of you may mistakenly think improves the clubbing experience. Here they are:

1) You are with the right people, a.k.a. your friends.
2) The music is good.
3) You've had a few drinks.

I'll respond to these things one at a time, as follows:

1) Even if you are with your very best and most fun friends, there will be a moment that will last far, far too long during which you will be abandoned on the dance floor by said friends while they all go to get a drink at the same time but in disparate locations. When this happens, you will attempt to awkwardly dance beside the individual with whom you have been abandoned on the dance floor, who happens to be the one person who came along that actually isn't your friend and doesn't even like you very much. You can't abandon this non-friend (who won't make eye contact with you and appears to be just as disconcerted by the situation as you are) since then you'd be an asshole because it's just the two of you. This means you will just have to wait for them to be an asshole and do it first, which will surely happen eventually but could take a good five to ten minutes, during which time you will probably conclude that you shouldn't try to go find your real friends because they don't like you very much either. I'm not saying this has happened to me literally every time I've ever gone clubbing but, well, maybe it has.

2) People of all musical tastes agree with the following: Clubbing music is basically never all good. It tends to be a mix of good and bad at best.

3) If you only like something when you're drunk, that means you don't actually like it.


  1. Wow, talk about hit the nail on the head. Everything, literally everything you have written here is true! I hate clubbing! I'm actually one of those people that knows that they hate clubbing, rather than being one of those people who think they like it, or worse, pretend they like it.

    I particularly like point 1 - this happens all the time! In my world, it's usually that all my friends decide they need to use the bathroom at the same time. It usually culminates in me miming the word 'drink', as in 'I'm going to get one', and then shuffling over to the bar and hoping that the other person either follows, so I don't feel horrible, or totally gets the hint and decides that is the moment they need to use the bathroom.

    There is no way that any evening that involves this amount of awkwardness and worry can ever be enjoyable!

  2. Dancing at home with friends or even alone (ahem) is way more fun!

  3. I hate clubbing. Which is really hard for me to say out loud in the real world because a lot of my friends actually spin/dj for the clubbing world and take it as criticism of their work (which it really isn't).

    The one thing I hate more about being abandon on the dance floor, the mix of poor sets, and the fact that I usually need to have a few drinks before 'really enjoying myself' is the whole drug fiasco that trots about hand in hand with the club scene. I find it highly depressing, and I find it difficult to have a good time when the situation is generally depressing.

  4. Oi, this is so true. The only reason to go clubbing is to go dancing, the only time I feel like dancing with a bunch of sweaty people is after drinking. And it seems like fun when you're drunk, but, really, you're right... if you only like it when you're drunk, you don't actually like it.

  5. This is awesome!
    You're like Canadian Larry David. Hey, why are looking at me like that? It's a compliment. Ricky Gervais is British Larry David, and you're Canad- Oh come on. Really, it's a compliment! Grrrr. Don't be like that, I'm sorry.

  6. There seems to be a gender divide about clubbing. Women seem to go clubbing because they genuinely like dancing. Men, on the other hand, only go to try to hook up. I have no reason to go clubbing, because 1) I already have a girlfriend, and 2) that setting wouldn't play to my strengths anyway. If the woman can't hear my jokes, it's game over!

  7. Fair enough, but does the setting play to anyone's strengths, if the women for the most part don't want to be hit on or try to hook up, and have their pick-up radar on high alert? Probably not.

  8. I geniunely do enjoy clubbing, with the caveat that it is with a small-ish group of very specific people, and if the music is recognisable. however I suspect that most activities are vastly improved with the right company and intolerable when without, although I do admit that my love of cheesy 80's music probably is useful in this case! and yes, I have gone clubbing sober and enjoyed it :)

  9. Okay, you're amazing and hilarious, and I'm putting you on my random button thingy.

  10. Wow, thanks!! "Amazing" and "hilarious" are the two best compliments to get. Besides "really hot," that is, and you don't know whether I'm that or not.