Asparagus

Asparagus season has arrived in Deutschland - oh boy! And what we are talking about is not just any asparagus but white asparagus. White asparagus is the absolute ultimate in German cuisine. Its appearance marks the only time of year when Germans will genuinely try and fight your assertion that their food sucks. Any other time, you're good. They'll be like "Really hard bread! Bland greasy meat!" and you can feel perfectly confident in shaking your head, knowing they will soon cave and be forced to agree with you, at the absolute latest when you pass by the window of a bakery and they say they just don't exactly feel like any really hard bread at the moment and you then feel perfectly justified in giving them a raised eyebrow and wan smile, which is a move to which no German has yet come up with a satisfactory response.

White asparagus comes in a variety of sizes. Here is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of white asparagus:

During asparagus season, the restaurants will all pull out their extra-special asparagus menu. This asparagus menu typically looks something like the following:

Boiled asparagus                                               EUR 22

Boiled asparagus with a bit of butter                 EUR 32

Boiled asparagus with a bit of hollandaise        EUR 37

Boiled asparagus with a slice of bread              EUR 40

Well, it looks like that except the prices all line up. We are talking about Germany, after all.

Moving on. Not wanting to pay 22 Euros for boiled asparagus, and nursing my personal opinion that boiled asparagus sounds like a decaf coffee short of a wellness breakfast (that's an expression I invented - it'll catch on), I decided to make some asparagus a different way, namely in the oven. And I must say that it came out delightfully well. Here is what you need:

Some white asparagus (or green asparagus, if you are located both a) not in Germany and b) in a country (other than Germany) that does not realize asparagus can be imported or grown in greenhouses)

Some olive oil

A lemon

Some parm

Salt and pepper

Potatoes

White asparagus differs from its green cousin in one key way: you must peel white asparagus with a veg peeler. This is rather hard because the peel of a white asparagus looks veeeeeeery similar to the part under the peel, as follows:

It looked more similar when I was doing it

Once you have have successfully peeled asparagus (or given up and used green asparagus), preheat oven to 250 C (or 480 F). Put asparagus in a bowl with potatoes (washed and quartered) and pour a few glugs of olive oil over. Add generous few pinches each salt and pepper, then grate the lemon rind over everything. I know this sounds like a pain in the ass but I swear it adds a lovely tang. It's also not that big of a pain in the ass, you just need a cheese grater. Oh come on, just get one you effing lazy shit.

Mix well with your hands (at least wash them after if not before), then lay asparagus and potato pieces on a baking sheet so they're not touching each other. Leave in oven for around 30 to 40 mins, depending on whether the asparagus you've got is Arnold Schwarzenegger asparagus or more like Kate Middleton asparagus (pre-pregnancy - although even pregnant she still looks really skinny, whats up with that?). Then sprinkle a bit of grated parm over everything and put it back in the oven just until melted which will be in like 2 seconds. Squeeze the lemon you zested over and enjoy.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I must repeat this was rather a nice meal, and I daresay that save for the peeling, any dumbass could make it. (Last I checked, there was no law that said dumbasses can't own cheese graters.)

I ate the potatoes that should have been in that big space.

Moroccan Oil

I used to really quite like getting haircuts. I'm talking about back when my mother went to the hairdresser with me and it was she who was blamed if my hair was too unkempt or tangled or dry or goodness knows what other manner of things can be wrong with your hair. Anyway, in those days, my mother would get an earful, I'd get a haircut, and I, at least, would go home with a clear conscience.

However, in the past, er, several years since I have been going to get haircuts without my mother, I've found myself in rather a tetchy mood after the fact because the whole experience feels a bit too much like being caught without your homework.

"What shampoo are you using?!" the hairdresser is wont to cry.

And of course I am always stupid enough to tell the truth, which is that I'm using some kind that I don't know what it's called from the drugstore (when I should of said I'm using the really expensive kind that they sell in the hair salon I'm in). And then the hairdresser is all like "Tsk, tsk," and impresses upon me that I really must buy the expensive stuff. And I'm such a gigantic sucker that half the time I actually do, use it for all of one day, then put it in a drawer somewhere, forget I have it, keep using the cheap stuff, and Bob's your uncle, my hair still sucks. Or maybe it would still suck even if I used the expensive stuff! Which incidentally, I discovered today is probably the case.

This brings me to what I really wanted to talk about, which is Moroccan Oil.

For those not in the know, Moroccan Oil is the expensive stuff. It is the exact thing they love to push upon you in the hair salon. It is not what Pharaoh's daughter was using when she discovered baby Moses while bathing in the Nile, although it sort of sounds like it is DESPITE the fact that that event did not take place in Morocco, which is some ingenious marketing if you really think about it. The marketing is honest, however, insofar as this product is oily. So oily, in fact, that I put it in my hair a full day ago and my hands are still oily. So oily that the oiliness has seeped beneath my skin and affected my personality.

As for my hair, immediately after infusing it with Moroccan Oil, I went to the hairdresser who advised me that I need to buy Moroccan Oil, the selfsame product that I already had in my hair. So long story short, if you happen to be in Germany either today or tomorrow and you see a Canadian girl with really oily hair walking around and she happens to really skeevily ask for your digits, well, you know who to blame.

10 Things That Make Me Happy

The now defunct Domino mag used to have a feature called "10 Things That Make Me Happy" that was always on the last page of the issue. I have no idea how you got selected to be the person whose 10 things got to appear, but I'll admit I was extremely disappointed when the magazine folded a number of years ago as it meant my lifelong dream of being that person would never be fulfilled.

But then I realized (just now, funnily enough) that I could simply tell whoever is reading this about what 10 things would make me happy. So please just pretend this screen is very glossy and there is a picture of me looking very chic sitting in my sweet little apartment or something right in front of you, as well as a pic of each of the following things:

1) Toaster ovens. Those pop-up toasters - why do they even exist? Do I want to turn on my entire fricking oven just to make a pizza bagel? I think not! Toaster ovens are the shiz. If you don't have one, that's kind of like not owning a pair of shoes or something. Okay, maybe it's not exactly like that. But almost.

2) Tylenol. I indicated in this post over two years ago that I find Tylenol to be a kind of ingenious invention despite the fact that it only cures physical ailments. I still find it ingenious 'cause you know what? Curing physical ailments is a pretty good start. I don't know whether I can truthfully say that Tylenol actually makes me happy; however, I can say that it often makes me happier.

3) Slippers. I have been living in Germany for the past two years, and while I find practically everything about German culture and society to be sort of like amusing meets ridiculous, the one thing I have quite warmed to in this country is the people's overzealous fondness for wearing slippers. In fact, my main nod to assimilating seems to be the fact that I have a minor panic attack every time I find myself inside a private residence without them on. It feels like I've been found naked in public.

4) Tetris. It's things that go on top of other things! Genius. I dare you to play this game and not have literally the best day of your entire life. This will include the day of your first kiss, the day you bought your first car, your wedding day, etc.

5) Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I know this show mostly kind of sucks, except that Sheldon is funny. The Jewish guy? No that funny. Indian guy? Also not that funny. All the girls? Totally not funny. But Sheldon? Hysterical. I could watch that guy all day.

6) When my hair looks good. It makes me happy, okay???!!!

7) Having a washing machine in my actual apartment. This one thing has made my life like one thousand million times better. I am not exaggerating.

8) Having a dryer in my actual apartment. See above.

9) When I manage to parallel park without bringing disaster upon myself. The feeling of excitement this brings me cannot be described.

10) The Anthropologie catalogue. To be perfectly honest with you, this doesn't make me very happy at all. In fact, seeing people who are far better-dressed than I and who apparently also have far more tastefully appointed homes makes me feel slightly depressed. However, I still get excited every time I see the Anthropologie catalogue, isn't that weird? I knew there was some reason I was putting it on this list.


So what are some of the things that make y'all happy, then?

Real Comeback

After my admittedly false comeback in December, I am going to attempt to bring this blog back for real.

The reason I haven't been writing much is simple: I haven't had much to say because I have been feeling a bit crappy about my life. I'm going to pin the blame on Facebook for that.

This is what my life feels like much of the time:

Wake up-boring-boring-boring-boring-boring-boring-boring-boring.

I'm thinking I should probably just stop going on Facebook altogether, because when I scroll down my newsfeed, it seems to me that everyone else's life goes something like this:

Wake up! To breakfast in bed from the most awesomely romantic sweetie ever, for no reason except it's Tuesday! Can you believe my perfectly clean, tastefully decorated bedroom?! Go to job that is so sweet and interesting you probably can't believe it's even a job! Go home! Make spectacular gourmet meal with sweetie! Go to sleep in tastefully decorated bedroom! Wow! Best day ever and it was just a totally normal day!

Now, I will tell you that the perpetually single shtick I had going on when I first started this blog is no more, and I do have a very nice bf. However, the day he brings me breakfast in bed on a random Tuesday will probably be the same day that four horsemen come storming out of the sky to announce the coming of the Apocalypse. Our apartment could use a once-over with a vacuum and probably a few pictures on the walls. And if by gourmet meal you mean toast and peanuts, then yes. And I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone I seem to actually encounter in person when I say that work is work. You know, like, work.

So what gives, dudes? Are you all kind of lying, or does my life really just suck?

Lazy Ass Corner Store Pad Thai

Why, hello there! Long time no see! I've been a lazy ass about posting on this blog lately, so I guess it's kind of appropriate that I'm talking about lazy ass pad thai. Now, every other recipe that you've ever seen for pad thai probably tells you that you need fish sauce and tamarind paste which is probably why you've never attempted to make pad thai yourself, because you're like "damned if I'm going all the way to Thailand just so I can get the ingredients to make pad thai."

Well folks, I am here to tell you that those recipes are all lying to you. You need neither fish sauce nor tamarind paste to make pad thai. Here is how you make pad thai using nothing that they do not carry at the corner store:

Soak half a package of glass noodles in water for 10 mins. I was advised that it is better to undersoak than oversoak. I undersoaked and this turned out to be good advice.

Put oil in a pan and add whatever little bits of stuff you might find in pad thai. For example bean sprouts, green onions, shredded carrots, tofu, other proteins, chili, I don't know, etc. I put in some whole peanuts and that was sort of crunchy and interesting, although I wouldn't recommend picking them out of a trail mix like I did as I ate most of the pretzels and then had to wait til later to be hungry enough to eat my pad thai.

Put undersoaked glass noodles in pan with bits of stuff.

Add a generous splash of soy sauce and a generous splash of white vinegar. (If you happen to have some fish sauce and tamarind paste lying around, why, those might sub in fine. Haha.)

Add a blob of honey or a spoonful of sugar.

Taste. Add more soy sauce if not salty enough, more white vinegar if not sour enough, more honey/sugar if not sweet enough.

Squeeze lime on top. Enjoy.

I almost finished eating my pad thai and this picture is not really close enough.

Obviously, I make no promises that this is exactly like what you get in Thailand, but it is pretty much exactly like what you get at Yum To Take. And you have to admit that they have all this shit at the corner store.

Point of no return

I'm under 30, but I've been realizing lately somewhat painfully that who I am is already set in stone, that the fundamentals of my personality, my disposition, the shape of my body, whether I tend to be happy or sad, glass-half-empty or glass-half-full, what society I am a product of and what language I speak, my poor sense of direction - these things have already been decided for me and none of them will ever change. I am already who I am.

It happened awfully fast. This is the person who will be going through the rest of it, exactly as I am right now, wherever I am and whatever I do. I've passed the point of no return.

Relevant

Lately I've been feeling like I'm constantly surrounded by discussions in various media as to whether various things are still relevant. Newspapers, are those relevant? What about CDs, are those? And what about hotmail? What about religion, or Yiddish, or taking a walk?

I'll admit this is nothing but rank speculation, but I have this funny feeling it didn't used to be this way. I  seriously just can't imagine that back in the day they used to sit around saying "Well say, that ol' horse and buggy, do you suppose it's still relevant?" I'm thinking if it was relevant then it was relevant and if not, then people stopped using/buying/manufacturing/breeding it, and that was that. No need to chat a million circles around it, as though you can stop time from moving along just by running your mouth to the end of the universe.

I think this whole talking too much business is something that happens in other situations too. Like for example, I used to get insulted when I thought someone was insinuating that I eat too much, and then I'd get all twisted into a hypersensitive fit and talk about it to whomever was nearby til I was blue in the face. And what did it change? Nothing, that's what. I basically had two options: either ignore the person and keep eating as much as I like because I think he's wrong, or else eat less because I think he's right. No need to talk about that shit nonstop and get all upset, that's what I say.

Or whenever I've had to make a major decision. It's like I'd pretty much rather talk about making the decision for the rest of my life than actually make it. No, seriously.

So what was I saying again? Oh yes, that thing about being relevant.